Welcome to November, when we devote an entire month to thanksgiving-filled gluttony! In a national study conducted seven years ago on the subject of gratitude, 78% of Americans reported that they felt strongly grateful in the last week. This was at a time of deep division in our country, leading some to wonder if what was being witnessed was evidence of social desirability bias, where people report what they would like to think about themselves more than what they are actually feeling. This should come as no surprise given the increased popularity of the subject of gratitude in the last several years. Gratitude is promoted and popular, promising some very positive benefits, including “increased self-esteem, enhanced willpower, stronger relationships, deeper spirituality, boosted creativity, improved athletic and academic performance, and ‘having a unique ability to heal, energize, and change lives’ (Robert Emmons, The Little Book of Gratitude: Create a Life of Happiness and Wellbeing by Giving Thanks, 21). According to researcher Philip Watkins, “the link between gratitude and the heart is so pronounced, one research team identified gratefulness as a “strength of the heart” (Gratitude and the Good Life: Toward a Psychology of Appreciation, 77-78). So, get your gratitude journals out and get to work! Guaranteed health and wealth await!
Is gratitude just another quid pro quo scheme in our consumer culture to get something we want? Is gratitude worth it?
In thinking about gratitude, I am reminded of a story from Jesus’ life (Luke 7:36-50 NLT) where gratitude was expressed in a lavish yet unwelcome way (for some):
One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!”
Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.”
“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied.
Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”
Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”
“That’s right,” Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?”
And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
The woman was overwhelmed with gratitude while the Pharisee – a deeply religious leader – was put out. What was his deal? We are left to our imagination in our attempt to read the mind of the dinner host. Perhaps he simply didn’t want a woman of ill repute in his home, or he was disgusted with her, etc. Yet what should have been a moment for collective rejoicing left him with little or no gratefulness. Elie Wiesel noted that “when a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude” (from an interview with Oprah Winfrey for O Magazine). Something was missing for the dinner host, indeed.
Have you ever struggled to be grateful? If your answer is no, then we can confirm yet again the social desirability bias is alive and well. Sometimes people struggle with gratitude because of some horrible thing that happened to them – not a choice of their own. Some made choices they regret and cannot get over it. Some just don’t feel comfortable with the whole gratitude concept. The problem has been around a very long time. In antiquity there existed a culturally understood and upheld reciprocity paradigm of benefactors, benefits, and beneficiaries. Benefactors were expected to provide benefits for those in need – the beneficiaries – who were then expected to show gratitude in the form of allegiance, a favor, a gift, etc. To receive something requiring a thank you, for some, becomes a burden.
For others, to receive a gift is a slap in the face. As Ralph Waldo Emerson quipped, “It is not the office of a man to receive gifts. How dare you give them? We wish to be self-sustained. We do not quite forgive a giver” (“Gifts,” Essays: Second Series (1844). There have been instances where I have given someone a gift that I was excited to give. My excitement was not mirrored, however. In one instance, the receiver’s reaction was completely flat. No expression of delight whatsoever. It was unsettling for me, as I grew up being taught to express thanks for gifts great and small. I wonder if my gift made the person feel in some way emasculated or inferior, or, upon receipt, required to in some way “pay me back” as if I was The Godfather or something. Upon further reflection, there have been times when I have been given things with a not-so-subtle inuendo that the gift was going to cost me in some way. To not accept the gift would be rude. To accept the gift was to be bought and bound.
The woman who snuck her way into the dinner wasn’t burdened with such things. She was clearly overwhelmed with gratitude and could not contain it. Given that Jesus was teaching and ministering around the region, we can only assume that she had been the recipient of something Jesus offered in his words, actions, or both. Knowing that Jesus was focused primarily on ushering in the Kingdom of God – an expression of the Jewish idea of Shalom – we can surmise that she would have at least heard the transformative message: God is love and love us all unconditionally. Jesus taught and embodied grace – unmerited favor – and the woman deeply received the message. Like so many then up and through this very day, that Good News transformed her. She obviously had reason to question God’s love for her given her infamous renown. Something greater had been offered that was more powerful than shame and guilt: love.
This general message was an untargeted gift received. Diana Butler Bass, in her book, Grateful (which informs this series), noted: “We are all un-targets of gifts that surprise and sustain us. Un-targeted gratitude takes us out of the cycle of obligation into the larger circle of shared gifts, beyond reciprocal exchange toward mutual enjoyment and responsibility for those gifts. Opening our hearts to the constant flow of receiving and responding that happens all around us all the time makes us more generous” (43). Indeed, the unwelcome dinner crasher’s gratitude overflowed with a generous expression as she poured her oil and tears on Jesus’ feet! Such embodied joy was born from her belief that the foundation of her life was God in a beautifully dependent way. As Bass notes, “More than two centuries ago, German theologian Friedrich Schleiermacher referred to this experience as the ‘feeling of absolute dependence.’ To him, absolute dependence was not demeaning. It was more like what we describe today as interdependence. He recognized that gratitude was the truest state of reality – everything exists in an infinite relationship of gifts to everything else – and it was also the starting place for a life of meaning, as our own awareness opens toward others, the world, and, ultimately, God” (Grateful, 38). Not quite a unitive experience or Satori moment, but pretty darn close – can you appreciate the power of such an awareness experienced by the woman with welled-up eyes, to make this bold expression in the house of one who likely reminded her often of her guilt and shame?
The woman was elated in that moment. But I bet she had some bad days after that night. People being cruel to her, reminding her of her past – of what likely led to her life of “ill repute”, which also reminded her of situations where, even in such circumstances, she was treated inhumanely. I wonder if she had days where she struggled to be grateful? I bet she did. Diana Butler Bass was the victim of sexual abuse by her uncle at the age of fourteen. Such trauma definitely got in the way of gratitude. She certainly wasn’t grateful for such horror. Not all circumstances elicit thanksgiving – and they shouldn’t. “No one should ever feel grateful for sin, evil, or violence. No one should ever express gratitude for the bad choices of others – those bad choices are never gifts” (Grateful, 54). While we need not be grateful for such painful experiences, we do have an invitation to deal with the pain that serves to provide greater freedom from it, maybe even some measure of peace. Henri Nouwen noted (“The Spiritual Work of Gratitude,” Henri Nouwen Society, January 12, 2017):
“To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives – the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections – that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for.”
While Nouwen’s insights are lovely, they are also difficult to embrace. If it does not come easily or ever for you, it’s okay. You’re okay. You are no less loved. You are understood. Valued. Eternally held. The Spirit of God is not a jerk. While there will always be a nudge toward shalom – even if only micro-steps – such wooing will never force you to go there. Be encouraged, if you can, by Bass’s story. After decades of struggle, something finally shifted for her. She in no way dismissed the horrific behavior of her uncle, but she did soften, recognizing his humanity, his brokenness, his unknown history that led to his behavior. The only word she could come up with to describe what she was feeling? Grace. She was able to be truly grateful for her life, for simply being alive despite her painful past, leading her to be able to write (Grateful, 55):
“Gratitude, at its deepest and perhaps most transformative level, is not warm feelings about what we have. Instead, gratitude is the deep ability to embrace the gift of who we are, that we are, that in the multibillion-year history of the universe each one of us has been born, can love, grow in awareness, and has a story. Life is a gift. When that mystery fills our hearts, it overwhelms us, and a deep river of emotions flows forth – feelings we barely knew we were capable of holding.”
Elie Wiesel, who witnessed unimaginable suffering during the Holocaust, after being asked if having seen the worst of humanity made him more or less grateful replied: “For me, every hour is grace. And I feel gratitude in my heart each time I can meet someone and look at his or her smile” (from an interview with Oprah Winfrey for O Magazine). May you come to realize the Good News proclaimed by Jesus is a gift for everyone, which means it is a gift for you. May the love of God bring healing and hope to your soul. May the love of God lighten your load. May the love of God find you rejoicing in perhaps ridiculous ways, blessing others and encouraging them to wonder what such Good News might mean for them, too.
Process Questions.
How was gratitude taught and/or modeled for you growing up?
When have you struggled to be grateful? Why?
When have you experienced deep gratitude? How did it affect you?
What’s your reaction to Nouwen’s quote below?
“To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives – the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections – that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for” (“The Spiritual Work of Gratitude,” Henri Nouwen Society, January 12, 2017).
What’s your reaction to Bass’ and Wiesel’s quotes below?
“Gratitude, at its deepest and perhaps most transformative level, is not warm feelings about what we have. Instead, gratitude is the deep ability to embrace the gift of who we are, that we are, that in the multibillion-year history of the universe each one of us has been born, can love, grow in awareness, and has a story. Life is a gift. When that mystery fills our hearts, it overwhelms us, and a deep river of emotions flows forth – feelings we barely knew we were capable of holding” (Grateful, 55)
“For me, every hour is grace. And I feel gratitude in my heart each time I can meet someone and look at his or her smile” (from an interview with Elie Wiesel by Oprah Winfrey for O Magazine).
What might you do to increase gratitude in your life?